From Doug Benshoof
We had a week-end away with some ministry leaders to evaluate the previous ministry year and chart a new direction for the fall ministry. At the end of our time, everyone felt encouraged and eager to start.
When we reconvened at the beginning of January to pray and plan for the spring, everyone was discouraged by the fall results. Many new acquaintances were made, lots of fun activities – but there was only one gal who had responded spiritually. The three key guys shared that they really hadn’t made any new friends and had canceled their weekly "coffee gathering" because only a few showed up.
As I reflected on this, a thought struck me about living among the lost. In over 15 years of training folks, I coached only one couple who just naturally networked their neighbors, co-workers, and acquaintances. They effectively moved them from acquaintance to friendship to spiritual. We have probably trained over a hundred folks these last fifteen years in advancing the Gospel relationally and none were very successful UNTIL we personally coached them through the various obstacles.
What are some of these key obstacles?
Moving From Acquaintance to Friendship
Many folks eagerly take initiative with a neighbor or co-worker but then wither when they fail to respond to an invitation. One leader told me: "What do I do if they turn me down 3 or 4 times?" People are busy in America! We took a group of couples out for a long Sunday lunch and everyone had a great time – all wanted to do it again soon. But, soon turned out to be 3 months later. Don’t give up! Keep taking the initiative. As coaches we can help folks who by temperament might want to give up – walk them through what they are doing and evaluate the level of where the relationship is.
One gal made an acquaintance and even had a good spiritual conversation with her. But, getting together seemed almost impossible for months. As we talked, I suggested she invite her for supper. She accepted and was very open to discussion. Soon she was reading the Gospel of John. We cannot get beyond the acquaintance level with an occasional contact, friendship takes time.
Going From News, Weather And Sports To Life Issues
People often readily share their struggles and life issues with friends but seldom with mere acquaintances. What moves a relationship from a casual status to a growing friendship? Generally, it is time together and shared interests. I am sometimes surprised how quickly folks will open up and share their life struggles – after we have broken through to friendship.
As coaches, we help folks evaluate where they are in the relationship. If acquaintances are seen only every two months the conversation starts all over every time and not much personal stuff is volunteered. The "coffee gathering" had produced almost NO life issues or spiritual discussions. More time together outside the coffee gathering was needed for the friendship threshold to be bridged in order to move to life issues.
Moving From Life Issues To Spiritual Issues
This is one of the biggest hurdles in the entire process of advancing the Gospel relationally. I had failed at all my Gospel efforts when I first arrived in Madrid but I finally made a great friendship with Bernardo. We studied together, played basketball together, spent tons of time together. But I was afraid that if I spoke of spiritual things I would spook him and ruin the friendship. So, week-after-week we talked about life issues and our mutual interests but I never got near the spiritual.
Fear kills all our efforts. IF we have a good friendship, that relational bridge will support any topic of interest. Even if folks are not ready or interested in spiritual things, they will respect us and our personal viewpoint. The key is flying our spiritual identity flag early and not trying to dump the "whole nine-yards" all at once. We help guide folks to risk more than they think the relationship will support.
Dealing With Our Temperament – Our Natural Reticence
Some folks just naturally meet and engage strangers. My dad would talk to everyone. He would become friends with someone standing in the line at the bank. But my mom hardly spoke to strangers. Temperament and experience effect our relational habits. But, there is good news here. Being a good friend and friendship building skills are LEARNED BEHAVIORS! Don’t let natural temperament be an excuse. Jesus calls EVERY believer to partner in advancing the Gospel. We can’t go on "sick call" as far as our natural ability here. Jesus requires that we ALL get into the game. Every believer can learn the necessary skills to reach out and build good friendships.
Good coaches find that even people who are not natural relationship builders, with help, can become excellent and impact their networks. One couple took three years before they began to experience any sort of success among their secular neighbors. Betty and I began to spend more time coaching them to face their natural reticence and build up their relational skill sets. Suddenly their network exploded. People opened to spiritual issues everywhere. What was the difference? We were able to coach them to move into life issues with these folks. And each couple had a ton!! Soon they were able to bridge the life issues to the spiritual and folks responded.
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